I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
