My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize
