I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
her facebook's as public as her vagina
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
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