Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
