my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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