but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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