if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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