i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Everclear isn't food dammit
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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