I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
