I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I think my vagina is haunted
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
