Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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