Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
