My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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