Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Randomize
