in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
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