You just made me feel so damn special
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
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i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
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Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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