I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Randomize
