My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
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