the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
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