genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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