It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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