i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
It's shark week go big or go home
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
