If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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