Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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