Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
