Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
