You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
