im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
