Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
