explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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