Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
