turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
