So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
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