I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Randomize
