i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Sexist Restaurant Owner Tells Woman To ‘Keep Her Legs Open’ After Firing Her
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
19 True Stories So Scary You May Never Turn The Lights Off Again
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now