can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Randomize
