So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
