tequila makes me forget i have legs
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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