they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
