Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
