I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
