Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
