Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Randomize
