He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
