Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
