my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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