Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Randomize
