and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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