I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
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I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
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If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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