the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
