How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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