Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I just found a bag of teeth...
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
