You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
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