I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
