Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here