This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
This show inspires me to have sex in space
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.